the greatest person ever coming soon, really. myspace companions past and presents
[17 May 2007|11:55am]
i am so sick of the gay shit
2 did it + come on baby

HOLY SMOKES. [29 Mar 2007|02:39pm]

I GOT INTO SMITH!

7 did it + come on baby

NO MORE HEADACHES, DRY HEAVING, OR THREATS OF LUNG CANCER [11 Feb 2007|09:59am]
today i quit smoking. and i have no desire to ever do it again.
3 did it + come on baby

3223 NEW MEXICO [24 Jan 2007|11:18am]
I used to love the color purple, the hue, not the book. Purple Is The Best Color In The World, I would tell people, It Looks Good On Anything. One day at school Katrina wants to know why I wear so much purple. It’s The Gay Color, she said, If You Wear Purple It Means Your Gay. The next day I told everyone my favorite color was blue.
3 did it + come on baby

SURFING [07 Jan 2007|05:48pm]
so today, on january 7th at approximately 1:30 pm, I came out to my mother.

just thought i would mention that.
7 did it + come on baby

BEBO SARANUNTATUN [04 Jan 2007|11:49pm]
i'm thinking about coming out to my stepdad. apparently he said some things tonight that sort of led me to think that he wouldn't completely flip a shit and then maybe he could give me advice on how to deal with my mom. lord jesus, i just want her to know already, cause i sure as fuck am not going to lie about it to make her feel comfortable. i'm not going to pretend that i wasn't at a gay club last saturday or that i'm not ordering showtime to watch the l word or that yes i think that girl is cute and no it's not a coincidence a lot of my friends are gay.

whatever, i just don't care enough about what you may think about it to lie anymore mom. you ask me, i'll tell you.
5 did it + come on baby

GUESS WHO'S BACK [16 Dec 2006|07:32pm]
back again,
cedes back, tell your friends.
6 did it + come on baby

SOMEBODY SAY OH YEAH. [03 Dec 2006|06:12pm]
i feel different.
come on baby

YOU ARE ON MY HEART [19 Nov 2006|08:40pm]
if anyone can get me from here to houston for less than 200 dollars this week. that would be a very nice thing to do.
2 did it + come on baby

BEDROOM SURPRISE [18 Nov 2006|04:32pm]
today i went to femina potens.
i might start to do work for michelle tea.
i'm sorry, maybe you didn't hear me.
michelle tea.

nothing 'ficial. so don't get your hopes up.

also: how many people can say they got a love infusion from annie sprinkle today? not many, i can tell you that much.
come on baby

COOKING WITH FEMINISTS [15 Nov 2006|11:26pm]
I submitted my application to Smith 1 minute before midnight.
procrastinators rule.

excerpts:
"I wish to relate the idea to young women that feminism can be modern and to not be afraid of their rights; that equality is yours and
it’s crucial to claim it."

" I have since realized that I want to be a pillar in the female community not only by using my education, but also by creating a life that is conducive to
becoming an intelligent, strong woman. If there were anything that I wish I had known during my first college search, it
would be to know then I was meant to be more."

" I started a student association designed to generate more awareness of other groups and cultures and to discuss issues dealing with gender, race, religion, politics, sexual orientation, and sex in an open forum free from judgment and the only goal is to be heard."

I am totally, totally tired.

Sucks I have some big commitee meeting where i have to stand up in front of the school president and tell him what exactly is wrong with cca and how he should change the fundamental core of the way the school is operated. no biggie, right?
5 did it + come on baby

HEAR YOU ME! [08 Nov 2006|04:43pm]
It takes a woman to clean House.
- Nancy Pelosi, my new hero.


in other news: i dont care what hilary clinton does or says. i dont care if she denounces human rights and makes us all wear chicken suits on thursdays. i will vote for her. again and again and again.

i realize this may be along the same party loyalty bullshit lines as people who continuely vote republican/democrat regardless of the candidate's history or capabilities to be an effective and eloquet leader but this is really rather different.

it's not party loyalty, it's gina loyalty.
come on baby

MAYBE TODAY WON'T BE SO BAD [08 Nov 2006|06:21am]
+ teary

Republicans fell from power in every region of the country — conservative, liberal and moderate — as well as in every type of district — urban, rural and suburban. Exit polls showed middle class voters who fled to the GOP a dozen years ago appeared to return to the Democrats.

In a triple setback for conservatives, South Dakotans rejected a law that would have banned virtually all abortions, Arizona became the first state to defeat an amendment to ban gay marriage..

4 did it + come on baby

TRICKY DINKS [02 Nov 2006|07:30am]
i would like a t shirt that reads:

Vulvas are much like snowflakes, no two are identical and when it gets realy cold they flutter down from the sky, getting caught in your eyelashes.

anyone know if it's at the gap?
come on baby

[29 Oct 2006|10:49pm]
god damn i miss my fucking hair.
2 did it + come on baby

HOLLA AT CHA GIRL [29 Oct 2006|06:50pm]

MY ROOMCollapse )

1 did it + come on baby

ALLY MCFEEL [19 Oct 2006|02:45pm]
+ full

just to update:
i might have an internship at the queer cultural center
i start activist training on saturday in berkley
i am volunteering at the pacific center (the only real gay organization in the east bay).
i am starting a group through my school about awareness, cultural, sexual, racial...
i am playing rugby

also i think i might stay here for the whole year, i would certainly rather be miserable in california than in the closet in texas.

hey you, call me sometime.

2 did it + come on baby

COMMENT IF YOU CARE [18 Oct 2006|10:38pm]
well so, maybe i'm not doing the right thing by leaving this school. basically i just got a rather nasty email from one of my old teachers that said that he wouldn't be writing a recommendation for me because (what did you expect from an art school!) and (you would get the same thing at any 4 year university's art program). so i'm kind of angry. just because i dont want to get a ba in graphic design doesn't mean i'm delusional. just because i don't feel the need to dedicate the next 2 years of my life at a school that i find repugnant and rifled with theivery doesn't mean i'm ungrateful. sorry if i want to save my mom 40 grand, and just like not stay. it's other things, it's not the people. i personally want a school that has a sense of community and actually has, oh i don't know, A LIBRARY that isn't half dvd's and magazines. How about a club or two, or sports, or just for shits and giggles, a population of blacks that's greater than 2 percent? that's roughly 25 kids out of over 1400 students...and even then i think they are including the grad kids. i feel like i go to school in a sterile box that is constantly bombarded by all the glittering assholes' work that is either sub par or way too good, there really is no in between here. i don't get where this school spends their money. i mean my type class alone has 400 grand between us being extracated by our arty big brother.

i just hold the college experience to be this TOTALLY AWESOME THING and the highlight of your formative years and I expect way too much to stay here. seeing as how now i have really no idea whether i want to continue education in graphic design or what, i'm thinking a semester break is in order. the problem is:

    what if i don't get into any of the schools i apply to?
      what if i do get in but can't afford it?
        what if i go and i dont like it and secretly regret not staying at the art school?
          what if i let doubt take over and i dont apply and i spend the rest of my life wondering if it would have been better?
        i'm not getting any younger, and a semester off (while probably needed, might totally suck)

        i don't want to be a townie. i dont want to be an art school punk. just someone, tell me what to fucking do already.

        p.s these kids spend a lot of money to look poor. i takes real dedication and an exceeding impressive desire to combine your ipod, sidekick, laptop, and 200 dollar haircut with thrift store jeans and salvation army reeboks. am i the only one who sees the irony?
15 did it + come on baby

CAN'T SAY I REGRET COMING [15 Oct 2006|08:36pm]
+ emotional and ready

whyamistillhere?
srsly.

i don't wear makeup anymore.
i dont wear skirts.
i dont watch tv.
i can't stand the sound of my own brain thinking.


i am so tired of everyone thinking they are so inherently different that every spontaneously planned thing they do has to be fundamentally "alternative" and anti-structuralized and anarchic that they are constantly being lumped together because there is only so far you can push the system and core of normality before you are all the same.

no more meetings SCHEDULED to start at 9:17 pm. Not 9:00, not 9:30. But 9 fucking 17.
where are these girls getting dressed up to go? if there some alterna-prom that's happening tonight that requires you to break out your cute flats and your carefully planned out "just fell out of bed and i am naturally this adorable" outfit? wow your hair is big, girl. and your hips are so small. my hips aren't like that.

here it's all about who can spout out little known facts by the most obscure band like: "HEY! The postal service is too mainstream, I like their old stuff better. But have you heard of the LEAD ART MUFFET TUFFETS?1? Their earlier stuff was good, but they've sold out."

god, i'm really trying not to sound bitter or garrulous but there is more to life than art. there is more to life than talking about art in some urbane, post-modern, post-structuralized, poignant, astute, sappy, BULLSHITY way.

NO
i don't think that the shadow of that light represents eternal life
NO
i don't agree that misrepresentation and dishonesty in government can be cured by you sitting at this fucking table 3 hours every week and incessantly talking about how fucked up the right-wing racist, homophobic white male paradigm is without doing A GOD DAMN THING ABOUT IT and then you look at me like I should say something because I'm the resident black/feminist/queer in the room. FUCK YOU, i'm judging all of you because you are amusing. THATS RIGHT, YOU AMUSE ME. fuckers.

There are so many disenfranchised and impecunious people on the street. i feel bad for them, in a sort of distant, disconnected way in that I am fourtunate to not be in their position and I can't relate, having never been without anything my entire life. I'm lucky, i know.

don't even get me started on the dykes here. they are so busy wearing name brands and tight jeans and hair mousse and that special blazer that makes them especially andro to commit to anything or act out. BE IRRATIONAL. DO SOMETHING. i know what your thinking, what are you doing mercedes, plenty. you just dont know about me working for the glbt teen hotline or volunteering to babysit children while their single mothers are trying to get an education in night class. whatever, i'm no better, but i will say i am sick of those assholes.

whatever.

I DONT CARE HOW DIFFERENT YOU ARE.
I DONT CARE WHAT YOUR ART REPRESENTS.
I DONT CARE IF YOU DONT THINK THIS SCHOOL ISN'T "THAT BAD".
AND I REALLY DON'T GIVE A SHIT IF YOU THINK I'M WORTHY TO SIT NEXT TO YOU ON THE BUS/IN THE CLASSROOM/DURING MY SMOKE BREAK.
what are my breasts too big? do they make you uncomfortable? is it my hair, is it too wavy for your liking? is my skin too tan, does it remind you that i am different?

i talked to a social worker at the ywca, apparently I'm starting a group of some kind. I'm not sure what for, because any cause that I have is surely under represented and would have little fan base with my art school constituents and i would rather cut out my fucking (well it did at one point, long ago) vagina before i would start an art club. we can visit 203023020 museums every day! fuck yes! rah rah!

i really do have to get out of here before i lose all appreciation for art. really. i am becoming concerned for my arty appreciation.

OH MY GOD NO I WILL NOT BUY YOU ALCOHOL. NO I DONT HAVE A CIGARETTE. NO I DONT THINK THAT GUY IS CUTE IN A METROSEXUAL KIND OF WAY.

you are just a dick. man, i've read about people actually taking on the outward appearance of that famed male sex object, but I had never fully seen one walking around. amazing.

LADIES WHAT ARE YOU DOING. WHY ARE YOU COOKING THE MEN DINNER. WHY ARE YOU BAKING THEM CAKES. WHY ARE YOU DOING THEIR HOMEWORK. WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON (this actually happens, esp. with the asian kids).

just fuck all of you. but hey, thanks for turning me into that demonized angry-as-fuck dyke on a warpath that society expects me to be. thanks.

of course I don't want to give you the impression that I don't have friends here. On the contrary I have lots, probably more than I did in Texas. I just don't like any of them. well maybe 2 girls, but that is it.


why are you buying into this 30 grand a year fake watered-down charade of mendacious, insincere eccentricity?

it's like high school with public transportation and paintbrushes. great christ.
california has changed me, for better or worse.

smith, mount holyoke, sarah lawrence, wellesley, simmons (final draft)

10 did it + come on baby

IT'S A TRAGEDY [10 Oct 2006|10:55am]
+ sick

so im one big fucking ball of anxiety.
i dont like this school. i mean its awesome if you fucking love ART!!?! but if you are someone who likes art but wants to learn about other things then you are pretty much fucked.

im going to go to a university, so now im looking through colleges extensively for the third time in my life. i dont know, i just want a right fit. im looking at smith, mount holyoke, hampshire, rice, ut @austin. i just want to be smarter, i want to be able to talk about almost any subject with large, impressive vocabulary words and write a mean paper on something insane like a comparative essay discussing the differences between renaissance deco and ancient mayan architecture. im just going to have to self-educate myself while i'm in this....travesy of an educational system. i need math and english books, poetry, newspapers. i crave knowledge. i crave experience.

so it looks like im going to have to take the sats most likely.

i cant eat or sleep or do anything but basically freak out all day. i have no desire to do any of my schoolwork. i just want to get the fuck out of here. only 8 and a half more weeks. only 8 and a half more weeks.


anyone have any school suggestions?

oh and carly came and went. she's insane. and i feel so oddly alone with no one here.

11 did it + come on baby

COME ON KIDS TAKE THOSE PILLS YOU'VE GOT YOUR LIFE TO LOSE [04 Oct 2006|11:48pm]
+ duncha wuncha


be there, or not. whatever.
2 did it + come on baby

BABY I'M BAD NEWS. [28 Sep 2006|08:15pm]
+ hurt

i moved into a single room today.
i re-sprained my ankle and it is totally fucked but i have to go to the city tomorrow anyway.
we are getting way drunx tomorrow night to celebrate me moving.
the gossip is playing here saturday and sunday night.
carly is coming next week to visit for 5 days.
i believe the rest of you should follow suit.

added to mercedes's vocabulary: "hella" and "son". i.e. "the city is hella cold in the morning son!"

1 did it + come on baby

[13 Sep 2006|05:38pm]
i dont know, i just feel like i dont fit in here.
and to not fit in at an art school is saying something.
2 did it + come on baby

[10 Sep 2006|10:23am]
i made a real entry.
but it basically just said i dont know whats going on with me. and that i need to find someone who can relate.
2 did it + come on baby

SUP CALIFORNIA [26 Aug 2006|06:37am]
so okay, we're leaving for the airport, and i'm not sure when im gonna see any of you again, so until then, god speed and appollo out.
1 did it + come on baby

ME FAIS NES NO SOUL [25 Aug 2006|01:30pm]
i've never craved sweeter lips than yours.

[18 Aug 2006|02:04pm]
by the way, i have managed to single handedly fuck up my work life, family life and school life in 3 days.

amazing.

[18 Aug 2006|01:22pm]
i have broken the world record for crying this week. all of my doubts have turned into fears and now they are this huge fucking ball of turmoil and unwavering anxiety and i cant even breathe or think about anything else. this is all way too stressful for me. it's bigger than my whole life and im not sure if its worth it. the biggest decision i have ever had to make and i have no idea what to do, and no one will tell me.

AGGGH [16 Aug 2006|12:30pm]
+ aggravated

WHO-THE-FUCK-IS-MY-ROOMATE

4 did it + come on baby

YOU LOOK LIKE SHIT. [11 Aug 2006|05:53pm]
+ shit

i am so throughly fucking exhausted. i hate tension in the work place, its so unncessary and yet, it's like i create it? or something?

i'm thinking that this move will be good for me, i've been telling people for years that i'm a good persona nd i hope san fran will do that for me.

also, i feel like these last few weeks i am in some catatonic state and NOTHING is happening and its fucking horrible...its like riding a rollercoaster and its maintaining a constant height and speed and knowing that any second your going to be jerked up in the air.

it's killing me, and i can say right now at this moment, i feel like shit.

come on baby

go past